Doubt.

Today is one of "those days." For me, "those days" consist of a nagging question being repeated in the back of my mind- one that asks, "Are you good enough?" And of course I can't help but wonder... am I? A year ago, I never would have imagined that I'd have a full summer of booked weddings ahead of me. Even now, I can hardly believe that I'm talking to clients about booking weddings for 2014. As much as I want to pursue this career, I feel almost as if I have an obligation to back out now if I'm not going to measure up, not going to be "the best." Something is telling me to stop trying to fool people into thinking I can do something I can't. It's the voice of doubt- the one that always finds a way to threaten to steal the joy I find in the things I do. Sometimes I listen to it, and sometimes I fight it. This time, I've resolved to fight it.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't necessarily appreciate the journey-- yet life is a journey and a growing process, always changing, always moving in some direction. Logically, I understand that! Yet I still have this notion in my head that I simply need to reach a certain "place" or "milestone" to be satisfied. I think that as humans we're all vulnerable to this attitude of "I'll be happy/satisfied when...", whether that involves losing that extra weight, getting that promotion, or playing that perfect recital. But if we step back and think about it... will we really be eternally happy simply because we've reached one milestone? Sure, maybe it will make us quite happy for a few days or months or even years. But in my experience, I eventually desire something more, or I begin to doubt that I've really achieved "being good enough" (as if there is some set, universal milestone anyway!?). And actually, wouldn't that make things kind of boring, if there was never anything to work for or look forward to? It's a lifelong battle, this "doubt" thing and this desire to "skip to some given final result," and one that's more than worth fighting.

As a photographer (and for me) in particular, it's SO (so so so) very easy to get caught in comparing yourself to other photographers. In fact, it can consume you. "Why can't I get my photos to look like that?" and "I should just stop, I'm never going to be that good or successful" are common thoughts in my mind. But every photographer started out somewhere, right? To be honest, sometimes I find a lot of comfort in looking through the earliest work of photographers I admire, because it's usually more than evident that they've grown immensely even over the course of a year or two. I hope that doesn't sound terrible of me, but knowing that they grew to the place they're at now from a place that is pretty comparable to where I am or have been is comforting. It helps me to remember the JOURNEY and GROWING aspects of both this career and of life. With every session and every wedding I shoot, I'll grow and learn, sometimes through mistakes and sometimes through study and application.

So I'm going to fight that doubt today, and answer the question of "Are you good enough?" with "I am and always will be growing and learning, and as long as the Lord keeps opening doors for me in photography, I'm going to keep walking through them. So stop trying to determine my destiny, because YOU, doubt, have no hold on me!"

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
² A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
⁶ A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8