Falling for Finn

I have a confession to make. I'm a little nervous to share it publicly, but I want to do so because I've been encouraged more times than I can count by the transparency of others, and I hope that in sharing I can practice that same transparency and encourage even one other person. 

So, here it is: I didn't fall in love with my baby right away.

When I was pregnant, I would watch a t.v. show or movie with a birth scene in it, and seeing the interaction between parents and their new baby would bring tears to my eyes. Honestly, I would be at the gym, walking on the treadmill, sobbing, because I was watching "A Birth Story" on TLC. "How beautiful is that? I can't wait to experience it!" I would think. 

But that wasn't how I felt the moment Finley was born, or even the day he was born. And then came the second day, the third day, and the forth day...... and that expected feeling didn't come. All the excitement and visitors masked my confusion and anxiety a little, but after that stopped I would sit on the couch in our apartment living room and cry as I nursed Finley. My heart longed intensely for the "before" days, when I was contently pregnant and would spend my days researching the best baby items, snacking on nachos and staying up late watching "Bones" with Joey. After a full night of sleep we would rise and repeat. Life was good. It was all about "us." Suddenly, there was another life added to the "us," and it was one that woke up often in the night and screamed for reasons we couldn't determine. It made us uneasy. It made us upset. We were forced to come face to face (on minds weary from lack of sleep) with a harsh reality: we were incredibly selfish.

I don't think many people were aware of my struggle. My good friend Emily got to see me fall apart when we FaceTimed a few days after Finn was born, but I would only casually mention my dissatisfaction with this new life to others. Internally, I felt such anxiety. In the back of my mind, I was constantly wondering, "Is this how I'm always going to feel? Exhausted, lonely, and unhappy?" To top it off, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I was committed to shooting eleven weddings and countless portrait session, which would begin in just weeks. I couldn't do it. In my tears I would pray, "I can't do this alone, Lord. I can't do this alone. I don't even know what to ask for... I just know I need help."

And though I was utterly broken, I encountered something profoundly beautiful when a simple truth occurred to me: That the Lord, without a shadow of a doubt, was actively at work within me. Every tear shed, every second spent crushed under the pressure of anxiety, every feeling of disappointment I felt with myself, with my child, with my husband... it all became purposeful. I was being shaped into the perfect and beautiful image of Christ, being FREED more and more from the burden of my own selfishness. I wouldn't trade what I've experienced over the past few weeks for anything. I'm reminded of a verse from Ezekiel (36:26), where the Lord says, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Thank you, Jesus, for your faithfulness.

Maybe you're wondering how I'm doing now? Somewhere between week 1.5 and 2 something changed, and every morning I would wake up and find that my love for my child had grown. It's a beautiful thing. In the beginning, when I nursed Finn, I would be distracted by my phone or computer. Now, I'm content to just stare at him and listen to his sweet little eating noises. It took longer than I thought it would to "fall for Finn," but I'm finally beginning to understand what I couldn't understand before now: a mother's love. It's consuming. It's mysterious. It breaks my heart and mends it at the same time. And I pray that I would continue to be challenged and shaped into someone who more intensely and accurately reflects the glory of God through this journey of parenting my sweet Finn. 

If YOU are struggling, I encourage you to reach out. You aren't alone. No one's journey is the same- don't compare your experience to the experiences of others. Just know that you don't have to face your struggle alone. 

Meet Finn

1. I'm one week old today!

2. I was born at 7:12AM, right on my due date, 4/3/13.

3. My mommy & daddy decided upon my name (Finley Graham Johnson) way back in 2011 when Tierney had a summer obsession with choosing baby names. Then they debated over using it for the entire 9 months of pregnancy... before deciding it was perfect <3

4. I weighed 8 lbs. and 3 oz. when I was born.

5. I was 21.5 inches long and have huge feet!

6. My mommy had no idea how insanely challenging childbirth would be. (More on that later!)

7. Word has it that I look like my daddy but have my mommy's lips!

8. I have dark blue eyes (for now!) and light brown/dark blonde fuzzy hairs.

9. Speaking of hairs, I was born with a group of 3 or 4 that are way longer than all the other hairs on my head. It's ridiculously adorable.

10. My arrival into the world has brought new joy to so many lives, and even though it's brought shocking change to my mommy & daddy's lifestyle... they know it will eventually settle down into something more beautiful than they can imagine right now.

Pat & Danielle: Expecting!

When Danielle contacted me a few months ago to schedule a session to document her pregnancy & (soon!) her and Pat's new baby boy, I was so excited. Not only was this the perfect opportunity to gain some more experience shooting two sessions I've specifically wanted to do more of, but it was a chance to reconnect with someone I've know for a very long time!

Many summers ago, Danielle and I spent endless hours at a beach in NC getting burnt beyond belief (or maybe that was just me?), eating popsicles every chance we got, and basking (from a distance, of course) in the attention we got from the military guys on the beach/base that were WAY (way, way) too old for us. I'm not sure how proud I am of that last part, but I'm just being honest! Had anyone told either of us that not even 10 years down the road we'd be expecting out first babies, I bet we never in a million years would have believed you. In fact, I'm not sure I would have WANTED to know even if I could have. That would have been entirely too shocking, and although I believe we're both so excited to welcome these new little lives into the world, knowing full well that ours are both about to be eternally changed... sometimes things are better left a surprise until the right time :)

Pat & Danielle, I hope you enjoy these photos & find a few favorites that you'll always have around to remember the days leading up to the birth of your first son! Danielle, you look adorable preggo. I know from experience that pregnancy is definitely a time in which you have to learn to embrace your body in a new way- for the hard and amazing work it's doing at growing a human being. Can't wait to see you guys again in a few weeks to see what your baby boy will look like & what he'll be called! 

Feeling Skinny

I always wanted to do one of those "pregnancy progression" charts, the ones where you have someone take a picture of you every month in the same pose throughout your pregnancy and then you put them all together and see the progression and smile/gape at how your body changes. Joey and I did this semi-successfully for about 3 months, and then I realized that it caused more arguments than it was worth (Joey behind the camera and impatient pregnant photographer wife trying to still be in charge = trouble) and we stopped. So this is about the best I've got in terms of comparisons! The first was taken in mid-October, when I was about 16 weeks pregnant, and the second was taken today... when I am 38 weeks pregnant!

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and forget I'm pregnant. I'm not sure how this is possible, but it happens. I've been having a lot of moments lately where I underestimate how "protruding" my belly really is and try to squeeze through spaces that LOOK appropriately big, but that actually aren't. Sometimes I only knock things over or simply don't fit into the space- other times I rather awkwardly brush strangers & acquaintances in often inappropriate places with my stomach. You kind of learn to work around this massive extension of your body. For instance, yesterday when I was taking my contacts out I was leaning my hips against the bathroom countertop for a while, and the baby was kicking like crazy. After about 10 minutes (no, it doesn't take me that long to take my contacts out- but I always notice things about my face that I need to address immediately when I am taking them out and therefore it turns into quite a lengthy process) I realized that I'd been resting my body weight against the poor little baby's head. I had a huge countertop-edge indent where my hips/belly/baby's head are, and I felt really bad. Live and learn!

The organic cloth diapers & prefolds have been washed no less than 5 times and are now sufficiently absorbant & ready to be put to the test. I no longer have any shirts that cover the lower 2 inches of my stomach. Joey has already set the infant seat up in the car, and we've been driving around with it properly installed for about a week now. AND, we have a name!!! It's time!

The official due date in April 3, but this little boy could really come anytime between right now and about a month from now. I'm really (really really) hoping it's not a month from now. Seriously, let's not even go there. Any guesses on when he'll make his appearance?! I should give away a prize for the person who guesses the closest due date & birth weight! So cast your guesses and let's get ready to experience something beautiful and crazy :)

The Pregnancy Wardrobe

It was a running joke in high school that when I actually was pregnant, I wouldn't need to buy a single item of clothing because most of what I owned looked like it could stylishly clothe a pregnant woman. When I found out I was pregnant this summer, I naively thought I'd be fine with what I already owned. Well, THAT didn't exactly work out. By the time I was four or five months pregnant, I was finding it hard to wear most of my "normal" clothes. And by hard I mean that even formerly roomy shirts came down to my belly button, if I was lucky. Some didn't make it that far- I'll spare you the details. A friend let me borrow a pair of jeans that were a few sizes larger than my "pre-baby" size, and I wore those until I realized when I sat down, I couldn't really feel my legs. Even my stretchy yoga pants got too snug to wear. Yesterday I made the bad decision to break out a pair of black running tights I used to wear in college, and by the end of the day I think the baby was kicking inside me out of sheer anger of being smashed by the way-too-tight waist band all day! 

Bottom line? In my opinion, you've got to invest in a few items to get you through your pregnancy. Sure, I could wear Joey's sweats and shirts (which I do, when I'm going to be staying home all day) but that doesn't exactly help you feel your best. My philosophy with pregnancy is this: flaunt it! If I'm pregnant, I want to LOOK pregnant and look cute in the process! Otherwise, I want to be wearing my beloved "old" dresses and jeans that I currently can't even fit half my body into.

So here it is, a brief outline of what I've invested in that I wear literally every. single. day. Notice the lack of jeans- I have yet to find a pair of maternity jeans that don't threaten to fall completely off when I move even the slightest. Do you want to make a lot of money? Invent maternity jeans that stay on. You will quickly become a wealthy man/woman.

Row 1, from left:

White maternity shirt from Old Navy. Basic & gets a lot of wear.

Black floor length skirt from Old Navy Maternity. Feminine and comfortable! 

Asymmetrical stripe black/tan dress from Target Maternity. At first it looked terrible- once my stomach got big enough to fill it out, I began to love it.

Row 2, from left:

Floral print, VERY stretchy dress by Vera Wang for Kohl's... purchased for $5.99 at Salvation Army. Score!

Pink striped shirt from Gap. The ONLY thing (seriously) from "pre-baby days" that fits now.

Black cover with tie from Old Navy Maternity. Best purchase yet!

Row 3, from left:

Black yoga pants with folded waistband from Aerie. These stay on SO much better than maternity pants!

White maternity tank from Old Navy. Probably second best purchase- I wear it under everything.

Striped maternity shirt from Old Navy. The only thing I don't adore about this shirt? It's hand wash only! Lame.

Are YOU expecting? My advice? Invest a few classic pieces that can be switched up and worn with different outfits. You can always save these clothes for future pregnancies, and not feeling like a slob your whole pregnancy will make it so much more enjoyable. You also don't have to spend a lot of money. Everything you see above cost less than/around $125, and they get constant use. And I'm not meaning to news-flash this, but be prepared to invest in new bras with both a bigger waist band & cup size. I bought new ones only as I needed as the pregnancy progressed, and it made a world of a difference. And never be afraid to check local thrift shops for steals on maternity clothes & even "normal" clothes that work with your new body. I NEVER would have been able to pull off the floral Vera Wang dress before, but I love the way it looks now! And not only it was $5.99, but it was "recycled" in a way, so you're doing something good for the earth! 

Do you have any tips on buying clothes wisely during pregnancy? Share them! 

Mary & Matt!

The Papson Family

Could this family be any cuter? I was so excited for this session- I know Brent (the dad) from school and couldn't wait to meet Ashley and Caden! Families are often the trickiest to photograph (in my opinion), especially when young children are involved, and this session was no exception- but as Ashley commented when she saw a few preview photos, "It even looks like Caden was being cooperative!" Success? I think so :) I laughed so hard when I was editing these just recalling the storyline of the evening and of Caden's unpredictable and endearing antics. It went a little like this...

First, there was the issue of the hand holding. You see, Caden wanted to hold his mom's hand- and only his mom's hand. Check out that scowl! Poor Brent- he took it all in stride.

Props to Caden for the cool purple effect that I love (he was being my assistant at this point and his purple flower got in front of my lens) and to the sun for the haze... a love evening sessions. The richness of the sun adds a magical, almost surreal quality! Thanks so much for a fun session, Papson family, and I cannot wait to meet little Colin in June! :)

Janaya and Keith: Expecting!

So I received an email from Janaya few weeks prior to the session, and was absolutely THRILLED by the opportunity to shoot a maternity session! I was certainly not disappointed. It helps that Janaya has plenty of personality and is absolutely beautiful. Her boyfriend, Keith, was coming up with their poses and everything. And look at the smiles on these two! I can't help but assume that their little boy is going to be a cutie for sure.  

Check out these shoes-- let me state that Janaya is seven months pregnant and was still able to walk gracefully all around campus in them!